Not The News Headlines w/e 28/06/2013
Recognising that we have our fingers firmly on the proverbial pulse here at Room 101-102, one of our subscribers recently requested a weekly news round-up of the good, the bad, the ugly and the downright nuts from around the world. If you’re after serious news, tune out now. If you enjoy inane bollocks, read right on.
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s a pile of steaming poo. That’s to say it looks like poo, it smells like poo but no-one’s taking responsibility for the heap of shit that fell from the sky and landed in a family garden in Mississauga, near Toronto, Canada on Wednesday, covering the patio and pebble-dashing the pool of the Gilfillan-Giannakos family. The chances are a malfunctioning valve on an aircraft coming in to land at nearby Pearson Airport caused it to deposit “blue ice” (large quantities of waste from horribly airsick humans) into the atmosphere but careful analysis is needed in order to be sure. Nice job.
There was definitely something in the air this week though, and not just poo, with a 3lb metal bar falling clean out of the sky and crashing through the roof of a Seattle home. After initially thinking it was a piece of debris from an aircraft, officers were told by the FAA that it couldn’t have come from a plane, sparking a wave of speculation about its provenance. When quizzed, a spokesperson for the local police force confirmed that one line of enquiry was that it had been picked up and dropped there by a very large bird.
Still in the States, a cold-case murder has been finally solved this week in Virginia. Scientific breakthroughs enabled them to confirm the identity of a murdered man who was shot in the leg in Jamestown… 400 years ago. One can only hope that this exciting breakthrough will now enable them to catch the culprit and bring him to justice. The death penalty looks like a foregone conclusion.
A driver and his dog were treated to a fine art makeover when their car crashed in Washington, spilling their cargo of multicoloured emulsion (see cover image). Hope he knows where to get a decent valet.
Meanwhile in Japan transport officials have placed a large order for imported wolf urine in an effort to reduce road accidents in Hokkaido. After a spate of accidents involving wild deer, radical action was needed and wolf urine won the day. Sprayed on roads and railways it keeps deer at bay for up to a month but for maximum effectiveness it is used in conjunction with loud recordings of lion roars. Spraying special brew and playing Katy Perry’s “Fireworks” on auto repeat would probably be a cheaper and no less effective option.
This is the week the man with the ten-stone testicles stuck his head above the parapet – and his scrotum on the operating table on national TV. Wesley Warren Jr’s testicles swelled to an unfeasibly large size five years ago after he squashed them getting out of bed (that’s the official line). Well beyond being able to lead a normal life, Wesley was forced to dress his nuts in a hooded sweatshirt, was barely able to walk and could only sit down with a crate wedged between his legs. Surgeons successfully operated to remove the mass and despite being left with just one inch of willy at the end of the process Wesley is hopeful of finding love again now his ordeal is over.
Speaking to The Sun he said, ‘I do feel a great sense of comfort that the weight is no longer between my legs. It got to the point that it was a danger to my health.
‘But when I look down at what’s here now it’s not the same as what it was. It’s totally different.
‘My natural look prior to the growth is not what came out of surgery. What came out of surgery is a nub an inch long and it doesn’t get any larger.’
Back in Europe the Welsh government this week got behind a career advice scheme to entice more youngsters into the entertainment professions – as erotic dancers, strippers and escorts. These “aspirational career opportunities” were featured on the Business Wales website, which announced that those in the business could expect to earn around £232 an evening and an annual income of around £48,000. Clearly many of us are in the wrong profession.
It’s a dog’s life
Marking the summer solstice, it’s the annual dog meat festival in rural China this week. Hold the takeaways.
And finally George Osborne suffered the ultimate humiliation when US President Barack Obama persisted in calling him “Jeffrey” at the G8 summit this week. Obama later offered an apology, saying “I’m sorry man. I must have confused you with my favourite R&B singer”. Osborne is said to have accepted graciously, telling Bungle that no offence was taken.